I went into the abyss and now it’s time to reemerge with a new found gem for anyone who is about to crash head-on into the same rock as I did.
A couple or three years ago I uncovered through these yogic practices why I was doing what I was doing. It was while I was teaching a yoga retreat and I had cross words with somebody very close to me
…I then got on my mat and began practising yoga (holding what had just happened inside) -in my head I was thinking that if I practiced yoga “it would make me a better person.” (Eek, WHAT!) -so I was thinking, I wasn’t a good enough person because we had just exchanged words and I needed to make myself more “right” – I was punishing myself.
That was the beginning of a decent… I cried some…and in that very moment it hit me why I’d been doing almost all things… To make myself better than who I already was, to change me into someone more ‘likeable’ – at this point I realised that’s why I was doing all of the fitness choices I’d taken. It wasn’t that I thought others didn’t like who I was. It was me, I thought I wasn’t quite perfect enough and if I was, stuff like that incident wouldn’t have happened!
This is the power of our mind.
This was where the real work started, I needed to like who I was in that very moment, without having a need to judge myself or change anything about who I was in that moment and every moment forward…(real work and healing begins here)
I started to question all of my intentions:
“Why am I practicing like this?”
“Who am I practicing for?”
“What is my motive about being fit?”
“Why am I choosing to do this thing..?”
“Who am I doing this for?”
“Do I want to do this for me, for real?”
…and slowly I began to unravel the whys, what’s and whose about myself…
Integrity about my intentions was being ignited.
I was no longer doing anything and I mean anything (just ask my husband) that didn’t arise like an up spring from my heart – not work, not play, not fitness, not home, not cooking, not relationships, not a single thing…if it didn’t come from my heart and souls longing I “chose” not to do it.
This was a radical act of self love that I was only just beginning to learn!
I was no longer going to places to please others. No longer seeing people I felt I ‘should’ see. No longer doing fitness (with the intention) to make myself a better person. No longer trying to be the always perfect school teacher. No longer teaching in yoga what I thought I should teach to try and “fit in” without drawing too much attention to myself in the yoga community. No longer having the house perfect just in case somebody came by…no longer, no longer, no longer…
I was no longer trying to prove to myself and the world that I was good enough and could make myself even better.
In short, I had quit being such a judgmental bitch towards myself!
And, I began to notice what I already was and what had been there all along!
I had spent up until this point, my whole life trying to do the best by everybody else’s (so called, in my head, standards)
From that point forwards I asked myself those above questions and if the answer was a yes from my heart I did it; if not, I didn’t.
What was the gift in the breakdown (breakthrough!) that emerged?
I began to love myself with great intention.
Now when I practice yoga it’s a radical act of self love.
When I cook a meal for my family it’s because I adore them (not because I think I have to and it’s my job!)
When I offer my life dharma skills out to my yoga community it’s because it comes straight from my heart as a gift to them.
When I walk my dog it’s because I truly want to.
When I tidy my house it’s because I love myself enough to live in a space that’s clean not because I’m worried about being judged.
If I spend time with anyone or anything it’s fully from a ‘yes I want to place’
I took all my pressure off myself and in the process, honest, heartfelt, intention was revealed.
And the other gift about this is I don’t get tired and exhausted when it comes from my heart.
If it doesn’t come from soul~love, it isn’t for you.
Wildly, Wendy x